


I Remember You

by DoctorCucumber



Series: Memories [2]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Epilogue, F/F, First Kiss, Fluff, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Kissing, Second Kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:46:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22405924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorCucumber/pseuds/DoctorCucumber
Summary: After you regain your memories, you confront the Doctor about her confusing attitude.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Reader
Series: Memories [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1610797
Comments: 8
Kudos: 94





	I Remember You

**Author's Note:**

> So it turns out I’m truly a fool and I can’t stop thinking about how _Remember Me_ ended. I really had planned on leaving it kind of ambiguous with the status of the Doctor/Reader relationship, but I just really really couldn’t end it like that.
> 
> This will probably make a lot more sense if you read _Remember Me_ first, but I’m sure you’ll be able to follow it if you haven’t. And this dumb epilogue is nearly half the length of the original fic, I apparently have no self control. I’m not typically one for epilogues, but here we are, I guess. I’m a hypocrite. Sue me.

Three weeks. It had been three weeks since you’d regained your memories. Your memories of your life. Your friends. The Doctor.

Three weeks and you’d barely slept a wink. It turns out cramming a lifetime of memories back into your head was a bit more stressful than you would have anticipated. Every time you tried to slow down, to stop and breathe, thoughts pounded against the inside of your skull, threatening to overflow. Most of them about the Doctor.

Your adventures with the fam had helped keep you distracted. Between all the new planets and all the new people to save, you and the rest of Team TARDIS were kept especially busy. They’d been trying to fall back into an easy rhythm with you, a rhythm you knew you had before your little incident. But you could tell they were still a bit on edge around you. Especially the Doctor.

You had sensed an odd wariness from her that you couldn’t quite figure out. Almost like she was afraid you’d shatter into pieces right in front of her eyes. Immediately after you’d regained your memories and reunited with your fam, she had explained that it would take time for your memories to settle in your mind. But you remembered an odd look flashing in her eyes, and she’d been off, fixing something or other in the TARDIS.

Her abrupt change in attitude was eating away at you, and you’d been thinking about that look in her eyes for weeks. The thoughts in your head were so loud that you didn’t even notice Graham walk into the room until he was waving a hand in front of your face.

You shake your head, trying to quiet your thoughts. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“I said d’you fancy a cuppa?” he smiles, holding up two mugs.

You nod and return the smile, but you can feel that it isn’t reaching your eyes. Graham passes you a cup and takes a seat beside you, watching you stare blankly into the steaming liquid.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he pipes up eventually.

“Talk about what?”

“Whatever’s got you so gloomy.”

“I’m not gloomy,” you pout.

He gives you a pointed look and you sigh, returning your gaze to your tea.

“Has the Doctor, I don’t know, seemed off to you?” you mutter with a shrug.

You lift your steaming mug to your lips, hoping the blush you can feel rising in your cheeks can be played off as being caused by the heat.

“What do you mean?” he asks, but there’s a knowing glint in his eye, and you suspect he knows what you’re talking about.

“I don’t know, ever since I got my memories back, she’s seemed kind of distant, maybe more so than usual? Like, any time she sees me, she bolts, and I don’t know what I’ve done wrong.”

Graham chuckles and pats your hand lovingly. “You haven’t done anything wrong, love, I guarantee it.”

You’re not so sure. “Is she mad, y’know, that I got myself into that whole memory mess in the first place?”

“No, no, of course not!”

You straighten up and whip toward him. “So you do know what she’s on about!”

He at least has the good grace to look a bit sheepish, rubbing the back of his neck. “I have a bit of an idea, yeah. But I really think it’s something you and the Doc need to have a talk about.”

“How am I supposed to talk to her if she can’t stand to be in the same room as me,” you grumble.

Graham sighs at the dejected look on your face, squeezing your shoulder as he moves to stand. “It’ll work out, cockle. Just you wait and see. It always does.”

Watching him leave the room, you slump forward, resting your head in your hands. You honestly weren’t so sure it would work out. Maybe not this time.

* * *

You weren’t sure how you had actually been able to fall asleep in such an awkward position, but your neck was not happy with you when you finally jerked awake. You mustn't have been unconscious for that long though, because the hectic dreams that had been plaguing you for the past few weeks had been thankfully absent today. As you try to shake off the mild disorientation of waking up somewhere you hadn’t expected, your ears pick up the faint sound of a familiar piano melody.

Bolting out of your chair, you follow the music through the halls of the TARDIS, finally finding a very familiar room. You lean against the doorframe, gazing at the Doctor sat at the piano, tapping away at the keys.

“I can feel you watching me,” she whispers without turning her head, fingers not faltering in their rhythm. There’s something odd in her voice, but you can’t quite figure out what.

“Sorry, I can leave if you’d like,” you rush out, and at that, the music halts.

Without the sound of the piano, you can hear the faintest shuddering of breath, and your heart breaks as you watch a tear splash onto the keys. You surge forward to join her on the bench, immediately reaching out to brush the tears from her cheeks. But when she flinches at the movement, you pull back hesitantly and drop your hand next to hers on the keyboard.

“I’m fine, I’m okay, I’m the king of okay,” she mutters, still avoiding your gaze, and you’re not sure if she’s trying harder to convince you or convince herself. “I’m alright, really, you don’t have to worry about me, you should go get some sleep.”

“I’m not sure you should be alone right now,” you speak softly.

“Please,” she sounds like she’s holding in a sob. You can’t leave her like this, but you also can’t stay if your presence is causing her pain.

Nodding hesitantly, you rise from the piano bench, giving her ample time to call you back, to talk to you, to need you. Tears sting your eyes, and you try desperately to hold them back as you slink toward the door. You can almost feel her eyes burning into the back of your head, and you pause before leaving, debating whether you should turn around or not.

Deciding it wouldn’t hurt to give her one last chance to open up, you spin back toward the bench, but she’s not there. She’s stalking toward you, an unreadable look in her eyes. As you open your mouth to express your confusion, the Doctor’s hands grab your face as she nearly slams into you, pinning you to the doorway and crashing her lips against your own.

It takes a second to shake off the mild panic and intense surprise that threatens to overwhelm you, but once your brain catches up to what’s happening, you respond eagerly, bunching her shirt between your fingers desperately. You tug at her sides to pull her closer, but even with her body pressed flush against yours, it’s not enough. You can tell you need air, going lightheaded from both breathlessness and simply her, but you can’t let this stop, afraid if it ends it’ll be over for good.

“Y/N?” the Doctor pulls back abruptly, but not so fast that you don’t try to follow her. You blink at her, a bit dazed.

She leans in closer, voice dropping to a whisper that sounds almost mournful. “You’ve been having trouble sleeping?” The question feels like it may be rhetorical, but you give a slow nod anyway.

She shifts her hand on your cheek, fingertips brushing lightly against your temple. “I can help with that.”

Heat rushes to your cheeks as your mind races, trying to decipher what she meant by that. Before you can think too hard about it though, she buries her fingers in your hair and taps gently. You gasp suddenly, before slumping into her arms, the world going black.

* * *

You blink sleepily into a pillow. Your pillow? Grogginess clouds your brain as you take in your surroundings. You’re definitely in your room, in your bed. But how did you end up here?

The bed dips next to you, and you rub the sleep from your eyes, catching sight of the Doctor sitting crossed-legged, fiddling with the sonic in her lap, yet staring blankly, straight ahead. She seems to register that you’re awake though, as well as correctly guessing at your confusion as she starts to speak.

“I carried you back here. You haven’t had a proper sleep in weeks. Humans need sleep.”

“You never seem to sleep,” you grumble, burying your head back in your pillow.

“I’m not exactly human, am I?”

“Fair point, Doctor,” you mumble sleepily.

The events leading up to now slowly come back to you, and you freeze up, memories of the Doctor pressing against you coloring your cheeks. How had you gone from kissing against a wall to unconscious again?

“I’m confused.”

She sighs. “I owe you an apology. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Snog me or knock me out?

“Both,” she whispers, still not meeting your eye. “I lost control, and I panicked, and I’m so, so sorry, especially after what happened last time.” You shuddered, remembering waking up that first time after losing your memories, so suspicious of her and how she’d been able to put you to sleep. You didn’t want to feel like that toward her ever again.

But then the extent of her words sinks in and you feel your heart drop into your stomach. She regretted both. She regretted kissing you.

“Oh” you sigh, not sure what else to say, and sure if you say more you’ll lose it.

She finally turns toward you, quirking an eyebrow at the sadness you’re trying not to let show on your face.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine,” you roll over, turning away from her.

You hear her sigh behind you again, and you try to blink away tears.

“When you regained your memories, I was about to tell you something. But we sort of got interrupted by the rest of the fam and I lost my nerve,” she starts, taking a deep breath.

“Sometimes, the friends I travel with - well, they can sometimes lose the distinction between me and the traveling. And so they may love the traveling, and then start to lo-”

She pauses, taking in another shuddering breath; you don’t dare to interrupt her.

“And I’d suspected that might be happening with you. And then you lost your memories, and we weren’t traveling anymore, you couldn’t even remember me, but that look in your eyes. Well, it started coming back, even though we were just - just doing nothing really. And that scared me.”

She pauses again, and you roll back to face her, hoping desperately that your eyes weren’t still shining with tears.

“I can’t lose you. I very nearly did, and if you hadn’t got your memories back, I don’t know what I’d’ve done. I can’t possibly imagine losing you completely, I don’t think I’d survive it. I’ve lost so many people, Y/N. People I’ve- people I’ve loved. And it’s my fault that most of them are gone. I can’t get close to you, Y/N, because I just can’t bear it, knowing that eventually, I’ll lose you too. And I can’t let that happen. Not with you.”

At that, she finally meets your gaze, and the look of absolute sorrow in her eyes breaks your heart. You can feel your face start to crumple as you struggle to come up with a response.

You start slow. “Doctor, are you saying you shouldn’t allow yourself to be happy now if you’re just going to be sad in the future?”

She doesn’t exactly nod, but you can see the agreement in her eyes.

You sigh. “Because if you are, you’re an idiot.”

Her eyebrows shoot up in surprise, grief replaced by surprise and confusion.

“Losing me is an absolute, losing anyone is an absolute. You’re going to have to mourn me eventually, no matter what you do right now.”

She’s mulling over the idea in her mind, you can see the gears turning behind her eyes. “I could drop you off at home, visit whenever I miss you. You could see me every day until you - until you - die,” she chokes out. “And I could keep you alive.”

“But I’ll still die long before you do. And I think you’d have a hell of a time trying to kick me off the TARDIS, I’m pretty stubborn.”

She gives you a watery laugh at that, a hint of a smile returning to her face and light starting to shine in her eyes.

“So you could be sad now _and_ later, or just sad later. Choose to be happy now _because_ you’ll be sad later. Let yourself have this, Doctor.”

After an excruciatingly long silence, she starts to grin. “Y’know, Y/N, I think you might just have a point.”

You can’t stop your face from splitting into a grin, and she’s smiling back at you, and the entire room lights up with her brilliance. Unable to stop yourself, you reach out and tug on one of her braces, pulling her down to meet your lips. The Doctor plants her hands either side of your head to regain her balance, and uncrosses her legs to instead straddle your waist. 

Your smile disappears as you gasp, tightening your hold on her braces. The Doctor pulls back, searching your face for any sign you don’t want this, giving you a chance to push her away. A chance you wouldn’t take in a million years.

A laugh bubbles up in your chest and a giggle escapes your lips as you comb your fingers through her hair, pulling her back to you. You both stumble on the kiss as she starts to chuckle as well, until you can’t carry on, just laughing against each other. The Doctor rests her forehead against your own as you catch your breath, unable to wipe the dopey smile off your face.

The look on the Doctor’s face mirrors your own, and as you gaze into her eyes, you see her pupils are completely blown. There’s a shift in the mood as she ducks down to kiss you again, not as rough as before but just as urgent. Cool hands slip underneath your shirt and graze your sides, and you shiver, muscles tensing as her thumbs rub soft circles over your stomach.

As you gasp at her touch, her lips move to pepper kisses along your jaw, and you tilt your head as she nuzzles your neck. Your eyes flutter shut as all the different sensations overwhelm you, but you hope the Doctor keeps doing exactly what she’s doing.

Your body apparently had other plans though.

_Don’t yawn, don’t yawn, don’t yawn, don’t you dare yawn._

Despite desperately wanting what’s happening on top of you to never stop, you feel yourself losing the battle to suppress your exhaustion. A massive yawn splits your face before you stop it abruptly in embarrassment, and the Doctor pulls back, smiling warmly down at you and seemingly holding in a giggle.

You throw your arm over your eyes, hoping your cheeks aren’t too red. “That wasn’t because of you, I promise,” you manage to squeak out.

A laugh escapes the Doctor’s lips as she drops a quick kiss on the tip of your nose, eyes shining with mirth. And she looks so radiant in that moment, you can’t help yourself from pulling her back down to meet your lips again, exhaustion be damned. Happiness bubbles through your chest as she sighs against you, but it fizzles out and is replaced with sheer panic when you feel a tear land on your cheek.

You pull back abruptly. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, are- are you alright, did I do something wrong?”

“No, of course not, why would you ask that?” the Doctor tilts her head and scrunches her face, seemingly confused.

“You’re crying.”

She spots the glistening wetness on your cheek and wipes the lone tear from your face gently. “That wasn’t because of you, I promise, at least, not in a bad way,” she smiles down at you. “I think they must be happy tears.”

You beam up at her before your smile is broken by yet another yawn, and you pout as she giggles at you again. She flops off you and onto her back next to you, moving to stretch her arm around your shoulders.

“C’mere” she smiles warmly.

You accept the invitation happily and curl into her side, throwing an arm over her stomach as you snuggle closer. A contented sigh escapes your lips as your eyelids grow heavier.

“Doctor,” you mumble as sleep begins to take you. “Will you still be here when I wake up?”

She combs her fingers through your hair absently as she presses a kiss to the top of your head.

“Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry, I know y’all probably wanted this to go further, but just getting this steamy was making me blush so I couldn’t make myself type more. I have failed this fandom, and for that you have my deepest condolences. Feel free to yell at me in the comments, I suppose I deserve it.


End file.
